I love black thongs
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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