member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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