Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
