You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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