We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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