Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
