if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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