i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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