checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
