Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
