i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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