I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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