I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
