Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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