the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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