What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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