The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have feelings that need drinking.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
