The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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