dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize