Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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