We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
