My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
