I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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