do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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