Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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