I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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