just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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