Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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