Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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