Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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