mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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