I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
There's always time for handjobs
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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