you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
