Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
