If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The best revenge is premature balding
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
