I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
