What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Randomize