How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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