i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
