I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
