I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
