i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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