did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
