im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
