She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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