I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
