I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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