I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
