I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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