im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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