I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
