speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
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