I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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