You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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