FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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