"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
