dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Enjoy the penises
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
