How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
