how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
