did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
