my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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