Betty ford says i'm here all night
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
