I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
