Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
