you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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