wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
