remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
