Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
