I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
